It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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