So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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