He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
