just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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