The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
