Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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