we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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