Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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