he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
