if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
