I just made out with a guy for $7.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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