I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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