she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
