I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
