i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
