that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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