Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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