He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
