The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
