I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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