Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
