I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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