ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
