My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
