On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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