I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
