Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
