I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
