$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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