This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
