so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
me + whiskey = a bad person
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
