My Higher Power is John Stamos
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
