i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
