cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize