my phone needs a breathalizer
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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