i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
