Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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