oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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