If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
We are all done wearing pants today
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
