Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
