I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
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