Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
