I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
