Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Randomize
