im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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