Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
did i walk over a car last night?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
