May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
