How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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