it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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