tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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