I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
