I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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