Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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